By this time (around the beginning of August 2002) I had been fasting for about a month or so and had long ago removed all food from my house. This became a rule that I lived by for about the next 9 years, no food stored in the house. I was eating very little at this time and I knew that things were getting out of control. The spiritual part of the fast had long stopped by this point and not eating became the main focus of my life. I was working with a friend who I also went to church with and as I talked with her about how I was not eating and how I was feeling about it she became very concerned for me. She encouraged me to go and speak with our pastor and did so for several days. It came to a point that she told me that if I did not go and talk with our pastor that she would call him herself about my behavior. I finally did make an appointment and here are the notes that I took with me when we met. I had already shared with my pastor my feelings about 9/11 and he had suggested that I meet with a lady in our church named Lara who was a prayer minister which as of this time I had not yet met her. Also, another friend that I had been sharing with was Tammy who was also able to see that something was wrong.
Pastor:
I know that I am leaning toward being in trouble and I know that being open and honest is the only way to save my life, so I wanted to share these thoughts before they become to private or out of control.
I have lost 40 pounds so far and this is good and not good because I have finally accomplished not eating, something that I have wanted to do for years.
I feel as if everything is out of control right now and the only thing that I can control is my eating. Things such as my feelings about 9/11 and what I experienced through that, and most of all, the discipline and the lack thereof in my life. I feel that as soon as I control that then the other things will fall into place.
I feel embarrassed about telling you this because it is a huge mark of spiritual immaturity.
I am nervous about opening myself up to Lara because I don’t know her. Trust is not as easy for me as it used to be.
I am struggling with thoughts of depression and harmful thoughts due to the control issue of eating.
I have been eating less than 300 calories a day and when I go over that I force myself to throw up.
I feel powerful when I am hungry. I am confused by this and angry but yet not wanting to tell people because this secret makes me feel powerful somehow.
Somewhere I got the idea that if you are fasting that you need to be hungry, but I noticed that Jesus fasted 40 days and then was hungry. I have neglected the living on the Word part and now it is not even about fasting and being hungry, it is about punishment of some sort. Being hungry is punishment to me and I feel the need to punish myself to an extreme and even more so for losing focus from the fast.
I feel defeated in the fast and guilty because the fast has stopped, not only did I not accomplish what I wanted, but I am dealing with the beginnings of some very dangerous things and although I recognize it, I don’t know how to stop it.
I honestly want to crawl into a cave and not come out. I spend lots of time sleeping and thinking about how much I am not eating and who will notice and what I will tell them if they do notice.
My friend keeps telling me that I am thinking backwards.
Being sick has nothing to do with not eating at this point. I told the docs at all the ER visits about the fast and not eating and drinking and they said that if was fine for now and my regular doc told me that for now it is not causing problems, but it will soon which made me feel validated somehow.
My pastor’s reply to me was incredible. I have never felt so much love and understanding come from any one person in my life. He told me that he had been watching me since I had been home from NYC and that he knew that I had been sick and in and out of the hospital several times and he told me that he wanted me to go and see a doctor. He said that if I didn’t have a doctor he would personally take me to his doctor and also that he wanted me to start seeing a counselor at the seminary. He told me how much he loved me and how much he wanted me to be happy and healthy and whole so that I could go out and serve God as He had called me to do. Thank God for this man, he saved my life!
The Lie:
I believed that I needed to punish myself to make things right inside of me. I believed that being hungry equaled not only punishment, but accomplishment and strength that I could live off of, the hunger had become my strength. I thought that everything was out of my control and the only way to feel better was to be in control of something, even if it was just one thing, and that was my eating or not eating. I was putting my hope in my ability to not eat thinking that it would make everything else in my life better and ok.
The Truth:
The Lord is my strength and anything else that I rely on for my strength is an idol to me and God said in His Word that we should have no other God’s before Him. An idol is considered a god. Everything was not out of control, it might have looked like that, but God is always in control and He always knows exactly where I am. My reason for staying alive and not dying by my own hand is only possible because my strength comes from the Lord.
Isaiah 40:9 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles: they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Psalm 118:14 The LORD is my strength and my defense; He has become my salvation.
Psalm 28; 7-8 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.
You can Find me at:
Isaiah 40:9 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Isaiah 40:31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles: they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Psalm 118:14 The LORD is my strength and my defense; He has become my salvation.
Psalm 28; 7-8 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him.
You can Find me at:
No comments:
Post a Comment