This journal entry was sincere and I wanted to seek God more than anything, or so I thought. What I was really doing was falling into more and more delusional thinking that I was truly doing this fast for Spiritual reasons. I was so desperate to change my life, meaning my weight, that I went overboard in my conquest of finding ways and justifying ways for me not to eat. Years later after living in Nigeria I learned the truth about finding my Joy in Christ and His salvation for me instead of seeking out joy through serving Christ.
7-22-02
As I am fasting I am doing so for many reasons and each day very cool things are happening. I not only feel called to this fast for health reasons, but also for spiritual. If I made a list of the physical it would be easy to spout off, but a list of the spiritual would be more running like that of molasses. I know that I will find many things along the way that I am asleep about, many things to put on my list, some I am sure that will come as a surprise. I want to share some of the thoughts that I have gathered from Chapter 2 of John Piper’s Desiring God. I don’t mean to belittle my faith, I do intend to challenge myself to more. Here are a few of my thoughts.
Piper says that conversion can be summed up this way.
“Saving faith is the confidence that if you sell all you have, and forsake all sinful pleasures, the hidden treasure of holy joy will satisfy your deepest desires. Saving faith is the heart felt conviction not only that Christ is reliable, but also that He is desirable. It is the confidence that He will come through with His promises and that what He promises is more to be desired that all the world.” (pg. 69)
“And so the joy of faith grows. When Christ calls us to a new act of obedience that will cost us some temporal pleasure, we call to mind the surpassing value of following Him, and by faith in His proven worth we forsake the worldly pleasure. The result? More Joy! More Faith! Deeper than before. And so we go on from joy to joy, and faith to faith.” (pg. 69)
If this is conversion than I say that it’s not that I have never had this, but I have only ever sought-after God, and the things of God, because that is what a Christian is supposed to do. I can’t say that this has ever, not once been an act of joy, not that it has been the opposite either, but joy in Christ, passion in or for Christ, longing, and pure or true faith? I don’t think so, or at least not enough or for long enough to make a difference. I have only been acting out of what has been described to me to do, or demonstrated before me. It is in worship that I notice this the most. Yes, I love worship but it turns out to be only an act of worship with hollowness. The music is good, the people dancing make me smile and sometimes they are funny to watch, but the deep parts of worship that comes with joy due to faith or faith due to joy, that is very few and far between if it has ever really really happened.
Then it must be asked, where does this leave me? Not unsaved, nor unlike countless other believers, but one who is walking with what seems to be that and only that first measure of faith allotted to believe in the first place.
I know that my entire Christian walk has not been in vain, but I am realizing that huge deformed chunks of my life as a “New Creation” are dull, dead, and on it’s last leg. Coming to this point in my thought leaves me empty, not hopeless, but a little lost in the dark feeling. Wondering if I reach for the light switch, will I find it and will the electricity be connected?
Piper says that conversion can be summed up this way.
“Saving faith is the confidence that if you sell all you have, and forsake all sinful pleasures, the hidden treasure of holy joy will satisfy your deepest desires. Saving faith is the heart felt conviction not only that Christ is reliable, but also that He is desirable. It is the confidence that He will come through with His promises and that what He promises is more to be desired that all the world.” (pg. 69)
“And so the joy of faith grows. When Christ calls us to a new act of obedience that will cost us some temporal pleasure, we call to mind the surpassing value of following Him, and by faith in His proven worth we forsake the worldly pleasure. The result? More Joy! More Faith! Deeper than before. And so we go on from joy to joy, and faith to faith.” (pg. 69)
If this is conversion than I say that it’s not that I have never had this, but I have only ever sought-after God, and the things of God, because that is what a Christian is supposed to do. I can’t say that this has ever, not once been an act of joy, not that it has been the opposite either, but joy in Christ, passion in or for Christ, longing, and pure or true faith? I don’t think so, or at least not enough or for long enough to make a difference. I have only been acting out of what has been described to me to do, or demonstrated before me. It is in worship that I notice this the most. Yes, I love worship but it turns out to be only an act of worship with hollowness. The music is good, the people dancing make me smile and sometimes they are funny to watch, but the deep parts of worship that comes with joy due to faith or faith due to joy, that is very few and far between if it has ever really really happened.
Then it must be asked, where does this leave me? Not unsaved, nor unlike countless other believers, but one who is walking with what seems to be that and only that first measure of faith allotted to believe in the first place.
I know that my entire Christian walk has not been in vain, but I am realizing that huge deformed chunks of my life as a “New Creation” are dull, dead, and on it’s last leg. Coming to this point in my thought leaves me empty, not hopeless, but a little lost in the dark feeling. Wondering if I reach for the light switch, will I find it and will the electricity be connected?
The Lie:
I believed that I was not able to have a mature or a more mature spiritual life than what I had as a child. I thought that showing that I loved God, or had joy in God, would be proven by what people saw me doing for God in my service to Him.
The Truth:
Christ is the Joy of our Salvation. Our Joy comes from being one with Christ, and because I find my Joy in Him then I want to serve Him to share that Joy with others. I pray this prayer from
Psalms 51
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from Your presence;
take not Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
and sustain me with a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
and sinners will return to You.
You can Find me at:
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