Too Many Eyes Looking at Me

After meeting with my pastor, I began to see Lara, the prayer minister at my church. I had also made an appointment with a counselor at the seminary. I was very nervous about seeing them because I knew that it meant facing my problems and getting to the bottom of things that I didn't really want to get to.

I am so thankful for these two people and all that they did to help me. They were so loving and kind and had lots of endurance to deal with me. They are true servants of the Lord.

The first time I met with Lara she asked me to make or draw a picture of what I was feeling. I had never done anything like this before and to be honest I thought it was kinda dumb. I had no idea then how much doing this would help me. After I did this I fell in love with it which resulted in years of journaling of which I am sharing with you now. Before I had only written down things that I thought or felt, never had I used creative ways of doing that.

This is the very first piece that I did.

Too Many Eyes 

Too many eyes looking to me. 

Too many eyes focused on me. 

Too many eyes want me to be. 

Too many eyes looking to see. 

Into my soul they take their gaze. 

Into my heart they sear a place. 

Into my head they snoop to find. 

Into my life they whimper and whine. 

Too many eyes looking to me. 

Too many eyes focused on me. 

Too many eyes want me to be. 

Too many eyes looking to see. 

The little girl is me and the eyes on the head have bombarded me and are peering into my soul. There are too many of them watching me and waiting to see what I will do, will I live up to their standards and be accepted by them or not. I felt this way, like I was being watched all the time because of the way everyone in my entire life always knew that I was on a diet and they were always watching me to see if I would cheat. I also felt that too many eyes were watching me to see if I was being who I felt that each person wanted me to be. I never really felt accepted by those around me and I always felt like I had to be a different person around each different person in the world and make them happy so that they would not reject me.

The Lie: 

I believed that I could never live up to anyone's standard. I was letting everyone around me teach me how to live thinking that it would please them so that they would love me.

The Truth: 

To please everyone or anyone really is an impossible thing to do. God says this, “I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." Psalm 32:8 (NIV)