(the poem is written below)
This a poem that I wrote after many years of counseling. I remembering this being so easy to write as if it were water flowing out of me watering a garden. I’ve been protective of this piece because first of all, l I would hate to hurt my birthmother’s feelings if she were to read it and think that I have felt this way because of her giving me up for adoption, and secondly my adopted family would be hurt as well by the part I say they played in me becoming undone. When I was a kid I felt like it was my fault that my birthmother gave me up because I felt in the way. The biggest issues that I deal with to this very day is feeling like I am in the way. In the way of everyone, and I hate for others to have to do work on my behalf, even when people need to call me back for business things, I do all I can to make it where they don’t need to do any extra work because of me. I see the silliness in these thoughts, but I also see the wounded child in these thoughts. All in all, I’m thankful for this poem because it tells the history of me be that good or bad or sad, but non-the-less it’s about me, all or me.
In the poem I talk about “the Core”. The core is the person that God created me to be. I believe now that the core is who I was when God first thought of me. I believe it is the girl who was adopted and who would grow up with the family that she was supposed to have. I sure got lost along the way but things are much clearer now.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Created in Secret (a poem)
© 2011
Discovering the realness that God meant for me,
It’s a bit scary cause I’m completely unsure of who that is to be.
In my mother’s womb I was created in secret,
Too bad for me cause all she thought was, “I can’t keep it.”
Oh, not the secret, that was easy to keep,
It was me, all she did was weep.
So, give me away is what she did,
Afraid to not be with her I went away and hid.
I hid in a place deep down inside,
In a place so dark I go lost and thought that forever I would hide.
There were a few times that I surfaced to see,
But when I looked I didn’t like what was happening to me.
So, I went back inside and started a game,
I created a person for whatever was my name.
Each person around me, on the outside that is,
Expected me to be just hers, or his.
In my mother’s womb I was created in secret,
Too bad for me cause all she thought was, “I can’t keep it.”
Oh, not the secret, that was easy to keep,
It was me, all she did was weep.
So, give me away is what she did,
Afraid to not be with her I went away and hid.
I hid in a place deep down inside,
In a place so dark I go lost and thought that forever I would hide.
There were a few times that I surfaced to see,
But when I looked I didn’t like what was happening to me.
So, I went back inside and started a game,
I created a person for whatever was my name.
Each person around me, on the outside that is,
Expected me to be just hers, or his.
This worked at first because I could be what they wanted,
A different person than the one from the womb that was haunted.
Haunted by memories of being formed in secret,
Haunted by words that said, “I can't keep it.”
The splitting I did, so to speak,
Became a huge game of hide and seek.
It got to the point that I couldn’t keep up,
So I created someone with whom I could sup.
Dine on the fact that I wasn’t me,
But the bitter taste of those meals started the ending of who I was to be.
The taste had to be acquired for each and every part,
The problem was that I didn’t like any of them from the start.
I won’t try to name each part that became,
It’s more important to know that I began to live in shame.
The shame driven, turning into self hate,
Setting a trap deep inside with very attractive bait.
The bait laid down by demons I suppose,
Very alluring, telling me that part of my life I can close.
The very part that was created in secret,
The very me that heard the words, “I can’t keep it.”
So, then very long ago this is what I did,
I forgot who I was because I ran and hid.
I let the others take control,
Until one day, there were so many someone was needed to take roll.
Call roll just to see who all was there,
To line them all up would have taken several stairs.
Someone showed up who seemed to know them all,
Someone from inside who I guess heard the call.
The call to help, coming from what I’m told was me,
But because I was hidden I’m not sure how all this could be.
I don’t remember creating everyone,
It seems as if they just showed up as life spun.
The one who learned to call the roll,
Bella is her name, to the system, began to act like a troll.
A troll who directed the whole like a choir,
Telling all that the core, she was a liar.
And that she was not created in secret,
So Bella began to chant to her that words “we can’t keep it.”
A battle began between each and every part,
Everyone believing they had been there from the start.
Each one wanting to live so kill the rest they each thought they must do,
But which one to start with was the question from every who.
Hate became the name of the game,
Self-hate of each part and of course tons of shame.
The system remained split down the middle,
Divided sometime ago when the body was still little.
The left the right the middle too,
Each space housing a certain group of who.
Who’s who on a list based on rules,
Each coming and going depending on life’s needed tools.
Understanding that death was knocking at the door,
The body somehow through depression made a trip to the psych floor.
An attempt not to die although death seemed to be the main goal,
Locked in a safe house two, times, three, four and five it all began to unroll.
This brings hope to the core deep inside,
The core, who had gone in to hide.
The strategy now is not to die,
The work being done is with help from on high.
The talking heads are helping me see,
That life for me can be how God meant for me.
So, from inside I have had to emerge for good,
No longer walking hidden under a cloak and a hood.
I don’t know if it matters by which name of me you call,
It’s the lesson that’s learned that matters after all.
The plan of battle now lies in the hands of the Lord,
Causing each part to sleep until time can afford.
Afford to pay the price of the fight,
And waiting until the core is just right.
Right in strength in the heart and the Word,
And right in strength to soar like a bird.
A bird that can soar high above the darkness inside,
A bird that can carry me away where I no longer have to hide.
Hide from the place where I was formed in secret,
Hide from the words that spoke, “I can’t keep it.”
The Lie:
My birth mother didn’t want me and I was in the way of her life and I must have been a bad person for her to want to throw me away. Because life went on for me as it did, I had to become different from who God created me to be.
The Truth:
God planned my life on purpose! After I met my birthmother I learned that she DID want me but just couldn’t keep me. God wanted me to be just who He created me to be and no one else. “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:15-16)
You can Find me at:
No comments:
Post a Comment